Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 4, 2016

Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

Because... she couldn't see that well....

Naked sunbathing....

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were destined to meet and be friends for the rest of our days.' The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God...

Jesus was gay.

He was nailed by 3 guys....

Doctor, how can I live longer

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke? No. Do you eat too much? No. Do you go to bed late? No. Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No. Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?...

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said...

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell....

I saw my friend the other day and he asked, "How did you get two black eyes?"

Me: Well, I was at church Sunday and we stood up to sing a hymn. I noticed that the lady in front of me had her dress up in her butt crack, so I reach over and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the eye! My friend: But, how did you get the other black eye? Me: I realized how much I upset her, so I reached over and put her dress back in her butt crack....

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism....

Three surgeons...

...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded." The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."...

How one programmer broke the internet by deleting a tiny piece of code

How one programmer broke the internet by deleting a tiny piece of code The story of how 28-year-old Azer Koçulu briefly disrupted web development around the world shows how writing software for the web has become dependent on a patchwork of code that itself relies on the benevolence of fellow programmers. April 29, 2016 at 11:30PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1Mtt4...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & access your data, and the other is a hardware standard....

What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?

Everyone there....

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty....

Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao....

I met my wife in an African Languages class.

We just clicked....

What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip....

What's the difference between a joke and a pretty girl?

sometimes i get the joke....

Johnny was sitting in class...

...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR" "Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave. She asks the next quote: "If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong." Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln" The teacher lets Sarah leave. At this point, Johnny is getting pretty pissed off and says "I wish all these bitches would shut up." The teacher asks "Who...

Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 4, 2016

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit: A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide. The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries. The physicist, hearing of this,...

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence....

I had a really funny joke...

but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime...

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"...

What is heavy forwards but not backwards?

A ton....

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them...

What concert can you go to for 45 cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, ma'am. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."...

During a class on good manners...

and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students: “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?” Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I gotta go take a piss.” The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.” Little Charlie chimes in with his attempt: “I’m sorry. I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back soon.” The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet'...

It may not be "politically correct" to say this...

...but there are over one million U.S Senators....

The milkman and the baker

There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted. So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house. He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way. When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's...

You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered...

A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the middle of the woods...

The Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all." So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him....

Why you shouldn't exercise to lose weight, explained with 60+ studies

Why you shouldn't exercise to lose weight, explained with 60+ studies More than 60 studies and nine experts explain that the key to losing weight is what you eat, not how much you work. April 28, 2016 at 09:38PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1SuzH...

How do you blow up a Muslim's phone?

Put it on airplane mode....

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam." I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?" She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."...

Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 4, 2016

Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...

...or does he have toupée?...

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'....

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the...

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the...

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4....

A son walks up to his dad

A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?" His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."...

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!" Shout out...

A Jew and Arab walk into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and...

The Italian Virginity Test ....

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.” Mario asks … “And what do I do with these things, doc?” The doctor replies … “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue. If she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’,...

Fantastic Fakes: Busting a $70 Million Counterfeiting Ring

Fantastic Fakes: Busting a $70 Million Counterfeiting Ring The downfall of a legendary team of forgers, whose bogus bills were so good they’re still in circulation. April 27, 2016 at 08:30PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1TwmP...

I saw a play that had King Midas meeting Oedipus.

It was pure motherfucking gold....

When I see a woman driving a bus

When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. ` And then I wait for the next bus....

When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options...

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs...

Hitler pun

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals." Hitler: "So mine less." Grammar Nazi busts in. "MINE FEWER." (Hitler looks up) "Yes?"...

Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden...

Another version of that Ireland joke

This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy. He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him. His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said. His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said." Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!" When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in...

Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 4, 2016

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm....

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause....

Drunk As Hell....

Three men had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn,...

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing they are both stuck up cunts...

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"????

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet....

I named my eraser Confidence

It gets smaller every time I make a mistake....

My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!" M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!" W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"...

Two Muslim Brothers

Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"...

Sexual Harassment joke....

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the...

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?" "About two foot sir" replies the bartender "Shit. I've just run over a nun."...

Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy

Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy It’s a paradox: Shouldn’t the most accomplished be well equipped to make choices that maximize life satisfaction? April 26, 2016 at 11:08PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1WR2D...

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"...

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents." The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?" Bartender replies: "Two cents." The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?" Bartender replies again: "Two cents." The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?" Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife." Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?" Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."...

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone....

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she’s in for a shock....

A Muslim boy moves to Ireland...

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?" "My name is Mohammed" the boy replies. "You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher. The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes. After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother. "How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks. "I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies. His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!" and his mother...

Bad news about shortbread!

They're not making it any longer....

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It ends quicker for fat people....

Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 4, 2016

My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"...

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry gets to take the train back....

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person....

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors....

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door." She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don't like that." She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, "and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience,...

My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.' Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.' But you fuck just one goat....

Two mods walk into a bar...

[deleted]...

What Would Happen If We Just Gave People Money?

What Would Happen If We Just Gave People Money? Basic income is not a single idea but a family of closely related ideas. But the core motivation — to address social ills by just giving people money — has a long history. April 26, 2016 at 12:44AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1qLep...

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed"....

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia

and she whispered "They're behind you."...

A priest giving confessional really has to take a piss...

... so he grabs the janitor and drags him into the confessional booth. "Can you fill in for me for a minute?" "What?" "Just listen to people, give them 10 hail Mary's, and send them on their way, it's easy," says the priest, and he runs to the bathroom. A woman comes in on the other side of the curtain. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have committed countless sins of the flesh, I love sucking cock." The janitor says, "well, just, uhm, say ten hail Mary's and you shall be forgiven." "No father, you don't understand! I live for sucking cock,...

How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer to be left in the dark....

I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help...

Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 4, 2016

Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow. The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened. About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever. "What happened?", Hillary asked. "When...

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context....

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?" the man demanded. The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."...

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door. "I cut the tree down,"...

Did you hear about the gay midget?

he just came out of the cabinet....

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder. She now have 45 lives....

TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans....

What has 100 legs but can't walk?

50 pairs of pants....

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

...What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat The bouncer is a blonde girl I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound...

A man escapes from prison

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist,...

Why hasn’t Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately?

He’s on tour....

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute....

The Average Webpage Is Now the Size of the Original Doom

The Average Webpage Is Now the Size of the Original Doom Today the average webpage is about the same size, data-wise, as the classic computer game "Doom," according to software engineer Ronan Cremin. April 25, 2016 at 03:08AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1VsC4...

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry Potter made it out of the chamber....

What do you call a gay Frenchman?

A faguette. (Sorry if offensive)...

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She...

A woman goes to the Doctor

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn....

Two gay men were

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are...

Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car....

Forgive me Father for I have sinned

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like...

Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 4, 2016

Good jokes are like children with cancer

Never get old....

A husband leans over

and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."  "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."  "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"  "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"  A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see...

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy. The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room." "Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking." "No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE." "I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful...

The Boyfriend and the Old Dog.

A boyfriend is having his first dinner at his girlfriends house with her parents. Things are going great when the women leave the table to give the men some time to talk. Suddenly, the boyfriend feels bloated and is trying to not fart in the dead silence. The family dog, Duke, is sitting under his chair and he gets an idea. He slowly lets one go when the father yells "Duke!". The plan worked and he lets a louder one go. "Duke!" the father says again. The boyfriend finally decides to go for broke and lets out as much as he can. "DUKE! Get out from...

An old couple gets in the mood.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,...

A black guy walks into a convenience store...

And says, "I'm looking for a job." The store owner replies, "You're in luck! We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!" The black guy says, "You're joking." The store owner says, "Well, you started it."...

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is...

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice...

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible...

The Future of Technology Is In Your Ear

The Future of Technology Is In Your Ear The hassle. The annoyance. Our headphones tangled with lint from our linty pockets. Yet as a product, the headphone could be the sleeper technology of the future. April 24, 2016 at 12:37AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1SWS1...

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A πthon...

I think my wife is dead

I mean, the sex is no different, but the dishes keep piling up...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great...

A multi-millionaire is dozing in the back of his limo....

Suddenly, the car swerves off the road, bumps across a couple of rocks, works its way across a muddy field, crashes through a barn and runs over a couple of traffic signs at a crossing before ending up back on the road. "What the hell was that about?!" the millionaire shouts at his driver. "Sir, there was a small kid on the road" "Fuck small kids! Next time, run them over!" "Well I tried, but he ran for it!"...

what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?

One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them....

Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 4, 2016

Yesterday I saw a horse-drawn carriage

The proportions were a bit off but the shading and linework were quite remarkable....

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.” Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy....

Just finished building doors for my fish.

I'm highly skilled in the field of carp-entry....

If Prince is dead then...

Is his music now "royalty-free"?...

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone

And then it dawned on me...

I keep trying to find my wife's killer

But nobody will do it...

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about...

A farmer is transporting donkeys across the interstate.

He is driving at a brisk but legal pace when he was suddenly pulled over by a two state troopers. The first trooper says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" The farmer looked at him, puzzled, and replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going five miles below the speed limit!" The first trooper angrily looks over at the second and says, "You told me he was speeding!" Flustered, the second officer replies, "No no no, I said he was hauling ass!"...

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One? Or two? One? .... Or two?...

Whats the difference between a terrorist training camp and an orphanage?

I don't know I just fly the drone....

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is....

a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make -" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. " everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken. when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed: -"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!" the man turns to his wife and says. -"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to...

How do you make a 4D printer?

Just take a 3D printer and give it some time....

A leopard tried to sneak out of his enclosure by pretending to be a zebra.

But he was spotted....

Joe the Train Conductor

Joe, a train conductor, was driving his train when he fell asleep at the controls. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Joe was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair. When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was...

Meet WhiskeyDigg: A Curated Whiskey Club From Yours Truly

Meet WhiskeyDigg: A Curated Whiskey Club From Yours Truly If there’s one thing Digg loves more than puns, it’s whiskey. Every week we have a whole-company hang called WhiskeyDigg where, you guessed it, we hang out and try good whiskeys. This subscription lets us share our favorites with you. April 23, 2016 at 12:59AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1NFoX...

I am 38 last night i was out with my 19 y.o. girlfriend and someone yelled "paedophile!" ...

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary....

I'm excited about a black person being on the $20 bill.

I always wanted to use black people as currency....

My boss accused me of having OCD...

I soon put him in his place....

Don't worry if you missed 4/20

Because today is 4/20 too!...

Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 4, 2016

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall...

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife....

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp...

Why cant diabetics have vengeance?

Because vengeance is sweet....

More sad news from the music world

Justin Bieber found alive and well in his hotel room....

A new look for /r/jokes

We've hit 6 million subscribers, and so we'd like to roll out our new CSS! It was made by yours truly, and I'd like to thank /u/soul_shot and /u/tizorres for all their assistance There have been a couple things added in the design: A complete face lift: /r/jokes has a more modern look and feel. Making it look like a comedy club. The bricks and glowing neon sign are examples of that. Cleaner submit and comment pages as well as submission and comment views Please note: if you find any bugs please let us know which OS and browser you are...

In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...

the entire story is the sub-plot....

Cliffs are so great...

But they have one downside...

Even if they make Prince the new face of the $20 bill ...

...we're gonna party like it's $19.99....

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow...

My friend David lost his ID...

Now we just call him Dave....

How is eating a girl out like being a member of the mafia?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit!...

A man sees a blonde across the river.

Man: How do I get to the other side? Blonde: You are on the other side....

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?" I replied "No, only guns."...

3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him." He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye." He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear." He shows the...

Prince Dead At 57

Prince Dead At 57 The musical legend's body was discovered at his Paisley Park compound in Minnesota early Thursday morning. April 22, 2016 at 12:34AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1Tlkn...

Three friends die and go to heaven

(Change the names in this if you want to) Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in. The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they...

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent...

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince....

Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 4, 2016

What do you give a girl that has everything?

Penicillin...

4 people were about to have sex

I think they were in foursome fun...

What's the difference between pink and purple?

Grip....

Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them....

My life is just like Rihanna's new song.

Work work work work work and the rest I can't really understand!...

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind...

What is DNA short for?

National Dyslexics Association...

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?...

A DEA officer walks on to ranch in Texas...

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever...

I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..

but she's already had her face on a Bill....

Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm. He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics. The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.' The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further. "You know he...

I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again....

Why Is 4/20 Associated With Weed

Why Is 4/20 Associated With Weed 4:20 PM on April 20th (aka 4/20) is considered *the* time to get high. But why? It has nothing to do with Hitler's birthday, and everything to do with a group of high school stoners. April 21, 2016 at 03:24AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1XIv7...

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. 
 Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,...

Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial

The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand. Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?" Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy." Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?" The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before." The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the...

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because she can't fit into D shells...

Buying Condoms....

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter." A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout...

A man deposits $1000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like to see him. The manager, who sits in a giant glass office on the bank floor, welcomes the man and then asks him how he gets $1,000 to put in every day. The man tells him "well, I make a lot of bets and that's where all the money is from." The manager...

Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 4, 2016

What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie....

What does a new Tesla car smells like?

Elon Musk...

If only the first rule of Vegan club

Was not to talk about Vegan club...

John wins best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man...

I have a vegan girlfriend...

and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot...

A sadist walks up to a masochist...

The masochist says "hurt me". The sadist says "no"....

So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton.

That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline....

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist....

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu....

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted....

An elderly couple Margaret and Bert live in Arkansas.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’ Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’ Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’ Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different?...

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent....

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself....

I don't see how anyone could be against birth control.

It's just inconceivable...

The Untold Story of Magic Leap the Worlds Most Secretive Startup

The Untold Story of Magic Leap, the World’s Most Secretive Startup The world’s hottest startup isn’t located in Silicon Valley — it’s in suburban Florida. Wired's Kevin Kelly explores what Magic Leap’s mind-bending technology tells us about the future of virtual reality. April 19, 2016 at 07:40PM via Digg http://ift.tt/22KhQ...

My Grandpa said to me the other day "Your generation relies too much on technology"

I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole...

I'm not a fan of Trump but I'd never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down....

A dog goes into a telegraph office

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: “Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.” The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog looks confused and replies, “But that would make no sense at all."...

Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 4, 2016

I've never owned a telescope...

But it's something I'm thinking of looking into...

I just summarized the jokes I liked best in a recent Askreddit thread. Have fun!

I hope that's fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please. -Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular. -I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex. -I have an L shaped couch... Lower case. -I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. -A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps. -I, for one, like Roman numerals. -You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what...

What's Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jewpiter....

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript: Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness:...

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark....

Lets go to the symphony

Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!? Crowd: cheers loudly Beethoven: I can't hear you!...

"Yes I have reservations but I'll eat here anyway."

my dad to every hostess ever ...

What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face....

I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y...

PSA: Please don't call them dwarves...

It's not the proper gnomenclature....

I bought shoes from a drug dealer...

I don't know what he laced it with,but I've been tripping all day....

Why does Elton John play the piano?

Because he sucks on an organ....

It's so cold outside

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets...

I saw a gay midget the other day

I thought wow that's a little queer...

A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him. Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instruction and shows him how to cast his bait out into the water. Within moments the priest manages to reel in the largest fish that the fisherman has ever seen. In the moment of excitement the fisherman exclaims, "Look at the size of that Son-of-a-bitch!" Immediately...

The Absurdity Of Steph Curry's 3-Point Shooting Visualized

The Absurdity Of Steph Curry's 3-Point Shooting, Visualized Charting the 752 top 3-point shooting seasons by players since 1980 emphasizes just how impressive Curry's 402 3-pointers this season were. April 18, 2016 at 07:34PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1MAci...

Kid vs barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead...

Angry feminist told me that men are animals, men are pigs!

So I told her that women are equal to men....

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"...

What word that begins with "N" and ends with "R" do you never want to call a black person?

Neighbor...

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?" Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."...

People are so unreliable

Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up....

Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 4, 2016

So a foreign exchange student asks me:

"Is the word "ee-ther" or "eye-ther?" I told them it was either....

What does all pirate music have in common?

It's all played in the high C's....

Why did the midget laugh while walking across the field?

Because the grass tickled his balls....

My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted....

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk....

What does dark humor have in common with food?

Not everyone gets it....

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron....

If H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4?

Drinking, bathing, watering etc etc....

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up....

What do you call a typo on a tombstone

A grave mistake....

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did...

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That's a man's job....

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.

I would stand at the back, doing my ting....

The Energizer Bunny is starting a career in porn...

They put his batteries in backwards and he keeps coming and coming and coming....

You've wasted your time explaining sex to me

I still don't get it....

Is online shopping better for the environment than going to the store?

Is online shopping better for the environment than going to the store? The Internet often saves a trip to the store. But what’s the rise in online shopping doing to the environment? April 17, 2016 at 11:22PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1TcyX...

A Man is driving down the road with his...

A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer comes up to the car and says "Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." To which the wife replies "He was going at least 70!" The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife. Next, the cop says "Also, you're not wearing a seatbelt and I'm afraid I'll have to give you ticket for that." To which the man replies "Sir. I saw you coming up to the car and I took my seatbelt off...

What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

There's not mushroom in here...

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am”, and poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse....

A Girl once asked me how I view Lesbian relationships...

I told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer...

Why don't pads like tampons?...

Because they're stuck up bitches....

Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 4, 2016

A boy grows up with an outhouse...

He's in bed one night and thinks to himself, "This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse! Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in." The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise enough for him to push the outhouse into it. After a day at school, he steps off the bus and his dad is sitting on the porch. "Son, someone pushed the outhouse into the river." The boy knows he's caught, "...George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry...

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot....

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake....

Make the little things count

Teach math to midgets...

I once went to a Reddit restaurant

unfortunately all of the servers were busy...

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves she a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves she a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: -- What, have you never seen a naked woman before? -- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers....

I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites....

Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.

Came clean in court....

3 ladies are celebrating in a bar..

3 ladies are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ''what are you celebrating about?'' The ladies reply ''we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.''...

I killed a kid while stationed in Afghanistan

So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him. Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy....

Did you know that trampolines were originally called jumpolines?

Until your mom got on one....

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off....

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh

Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea....

A Fully-Portable Desk Made For All You Techies Out There

A Fully-Portable Desk Made For All You Techies Out There This sleek workstation is designed to handle all your tech essentials (laptop, phone, mouse and tablet) and has an integrated handle for traveling anywhere from the airport to the park. April 16, 2016 at 08:39PM via Digg http://ift.tt/1V8GF...

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use....

I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees...

A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . .

They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them turns to the other and says, "Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us."...

Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?"

Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."...

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg...

Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 4, 2016

What's the difference between a blowjob and anal sex?

One makes your day and the other makes your hole weak....

Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old....

A guy walks into a bookstore...

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?" The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"...

First day on the job

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, but I've...

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows...

Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader....

An Asylum Tour

A benefactor by the name of John is touring an asylum to see how it is being ran. Occasionally, he sees an unusual patient and stops to talk. The first man he comes across is grabbing the sides of his head and making a marked twisting motion. Concerned, John asks him what he's doing. Well, sir, the patient says "I'm trying to get my head screwed on tight so I can get the fuck out of here." The second patient, upon seeing John, sudden pulls down his pants and shits in his hands. He then proceeds to mold it into a cube. He looks at John, and without...

A man goes to a library and asks if they have a book on suicide

The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."...

What did the German physicist call his beer mug?

Ein stein....

Why does the NSA hate the winter?

They got snowed in....

The Mystery of the Two Hillarys

The Mystery of the Two Hillarys Indira Lakshmanan covered Hillary as a candidate, and then as secretary of state — and says she was like two totally different people. April 15, 2016 at 06:29PM via Digg http://ift.tt/23J1I...

How do the Lanisters make large beds?

They put two twins together to make a king....

My blind friend just tried LSD for the first time...

There was more tripping than usual....

What do you call a bodybuilding Mexican who's run out of protein?

No whey Jose....

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away....

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist....

What do you get when you cross an octopus and a lion?

A stern rebuke from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawal of funds....

A guy goes to a supermarket to buy food...

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the...

A young girl goes to a priest to confess...

"Forgive me father, because I have sinned", the girl said. "What did you do, my child" the priest replied "Well, I told a guy he is a bastard" "And why did you do that?" "Well, because he touched me..." "Like this?" And the father started touching the girl. "Yes like that" "But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, isn't it?" "No" she replied "But then he started to touch my boobs" "Like this?" And the father started touching the girl's boobs "Yes like that father" she moaned silently "But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, my child" "But...

Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 4, 2016

I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse...

A mexican kid tells D. Trump:

I want to be President! Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded? Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements....

Why is Pokemon quite realistic?

Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa....

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean....

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose....

Grammar Nazi.

"Sir, we are mining too many useless cores" [Hitler rubs chin] "So, mine less. [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] "MINE FEWER!" [Hitler looks up] "Yes, soldier?"...

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?...

Guy applies for a job as a Prison Officer

The interviewer says Hello, can I offer you a coffee before we start?" The guy says "No thanks, I don't drink coffee. The interviewer asks "Is there anything about you that would hinder your ability to do your job?" The guy says "I have no testicles, I lost them in Kabul, but this shouldn't stop me performing my duties as a Corrections Officer". The interviewer is impressed with the remainder of the interview and offers the candidate the position. He says "The hours are 0800 to 1700, but you may as well come in from 1000 til 1700. The guy asks...

Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..

..April fools!"...

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court "In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed". The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens. " Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty." The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five...

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!...

Meet The King Of Sports Conspiracy Theories

Meet The King Of Sports Conspiracy Theories For Brian Tuohy, the truth is simple: All the major US sports have been rigging their own games for decades and continue to do so unimpeded. More to the point, this fact has been covered up thanks to the eager collusion of both law enforcement agencies and the sporting media. April 15, 2016 at 01:27AM via Digg http://ift.tt/23I9t...

Studies show that a lot of women turn into good drivers

So If you're a good driver, look out for women turning...

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately...

My favourite sex position is the JFK

I splatter all over her face and watch her struggle to get out of the car!...

Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 4, 2016

fight club

I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting...

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction....

I won my first cage fight last night...

Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it....

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school.

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What...

What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a eunuchcorn....

A woman goes to the doctor...

A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says "Doctor, I don't fell so well." And the doctor replied "Well for one thing, your definitely not eating correctly."...

Marriage jokes

Marriage jokes The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”...

Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

He told him it would help him control hispanics....

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately. “How can I help you, sir?” he asks. “I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers. The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying, “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front.” “Here are the documents, as well,” he says as he hands over a tiny stack of papers. The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly...